Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Freedom For My Friend - Plus, Problems On the Spiritual Level
Lara's parents told her that she is now allowed to ride with me driving. It means freedom for her, but then, herein lies the pressure for me.
I feel stagnant in the ways of spritual growth. I want to grow closer to God, but there's a lack of desire. Instead, my desire is telling me to stay where I am, throw my hands up in the air and give up. I can't give up, because I don't want to dissappoint God like that. My desire is to give up, but my not wanting to shame God is keeping me from that, and my want is to keep growing, but there's no desire to help me with that. I feel inadequate at Bible study, both Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I don't really know how to study the Bible, which kills me at home. I don't know what to do other than pray about it. I don't know who to turn to to help me with this. I'm just going to have to trust God to bring someone to mind. I told my Mom about it and she said that she thinks I may be slightly depressed. I hope I'm not, I don't want to be. I feel like I'm stuck in a corner. I find myself not wanting to be around people. I find ordinary activities non-attractive...I had to make myself go to Midschool on Tuesday night - I didn't enjoy myself either. I just feel stuck right now.
Josh G. is feeling better. He's in a good mood. That makes me happy. Just knowing that all my friends are happy makes me happy. When they're sad, I'm sad. It's the mother in me, I'm sure.
Well, I really have nothing else to say at the moment. So, I bid you adieu.
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Lara's parents told her that she is now allowed to ride with me driving. It means freedom for her, but then, herein lies the pressure for me.
I feel stagnant in the ways of spritual growth. I want to grow closer to God, but there's a lack of desire. Instead, my desire is telling me to stay where I am, throw my hands up in the air and give up. I can't give up, because I don't want to dissappoint God like that. My desire is to give up, but my not wanting to shame God is keeping me from that, and my want is to keep growing, but there's no desire to help me with that. I feel inadequate at Bible study, both Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I don't really know how to study the Bible, which kills me at home. I don't know what to do other than pray about it. I don't know who to turn to to help me with this. I'm just going to have to trust God to bring someone to mind. I told my Mom about it and she said that she thinks I may be slightly depressed. I hope I'm not, I don't want to be. I feel like I'm stuck in a corner. I find myself not wanting to be around people. I find ordinary activities non-attractive...I had to make myself go to Midschool on Tuesday night - I didn't enjoy myself either. I just feel stuck right now.
Josh G. is feeling better. He's in a good mood. That makes me happy. Just knowing that all my friends are happy makes me happy. When they're sad, I'm sad. It's the mother in me, I'm sure.
Well, I really have nothing else to say at the moment. So, I bid you adieu.
Monday, March 29, 2004
The Inside Story On Life With A Judgemental Parent - Plus, Everything Else Going On In the Author's Life
Ah, teenager-hood. You love it, yet you hate it all at the same time. Basically, Mom wouldn't let me go to Wendy's with the gang again. I was pissed, needless to say. She's still trying to get me to, let's see how she puts it, "expand your circle of friends." Here's an excerpt from my (paper) journal entry from yesterday:
I am so pissed. Mom didn't let us (my brother John and I) go out after church AGAIN. She says we need new friends, but what she didn't realize is that these are the only people that aren't in the "in crowd." She keeps giving us the "you-need-new-friends" speech. I hate it because even though i'm not decked out in gothic clothing and I don't have a screwed up life, I feel like I fit in with them. I don't know why, I just do... ...i have never every truly burned with anger before.
So yeah. That's how I still feel, only I'm not angry anymore. Will elaborate more upon request...
Anyhoo, I went to work today. Went to Pancho's with my parents aprez travay (work na Kreyol).
Talking to Josh G. I was talking to Chad and Jessica Linman as well, but they left.
I'm frustrated with Lara again. Too lazy to go into detail, plus you wouldn't understand. It's a complicated thought process kind-of thing, and I don't think you really want to go that deep into my head.
Well, I thought I had a lot more to say, but I got distracted, so now I don't. It's ok though. You probably don't care. I think I'll head out now. Until.
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Ah, teenager-hood. You love it, yet you hate it all at the same time. Basically, Mom wouldn't let me go to Wendy's with the gang again. I was pissed, needless to say. She's still trying to get me to, let's see how she puts it, "expand your circle of friends." Here's an excerpt from my (paper) journal entry from yesterday:
I am so pissed. Mom didn't let us (my brother John and I) go out after church AGAIN. She says we need new friends, but what she didn't realize is that these are the only people that aren't in the "in crowd." She keeps giving us the "you-need-new-friends" speech. I hate it because even though i'm not decked out in gothic clothing and I don't have a screwed up life, I feel like I fit in with them. I don't know why, I just do... ...i have never every truly burned with anger before.
So yeah. That's how I still feel, only I'm not angry anymore. Will elaborate more upon request...
Anyhoo, I went to work today. Went to Pancho's with my parents aprez travay (work na Kreyol).
Talking to Josh G. I was talking to Chad and Jessica Linman as well, but they left.
I'm frustrated with Lara again. Too lazy to go into detail, plus you wouldn't understand. It's a complicated thought process kind-of thing, and I don't think you really want to go that deep into my head.
Well, I thought I had a lot more to say, but I got distracted, so now I don't. It's ok though. You probably don't care. I think I'll head out now. Until.
Saturday, March 27, 2004
I Have No Headline For You - Plus, Short and Sweet Works Sometimes
I had a phenomenal time last night. I went to a Parent-Teen Movie Discussion thing last night at church...it was great! We watched Mona Lisa Smile - great flick, not at all a chick flick. Aprez we watched it, the five or six sets of parents and teenagers split up into groups and asked questions off of this sheet that Brent made for us. It was interesting, and I learned some very important things. I ended up in a group with my Mom, Robyn Eubanks and Deb Stevenson. They are very wise women and they are incredible to listen to! Cool women!
One of the questions that was asked was about choices...hold on, lemme see if I can get the question...ah here it is: The theme of this movie is obviously CHOICES. What choices do you have to make? Who influences you in these decisions? What are your final criteria for making beneficial choices? My Mom said that the main choices people think about when you ask them things like this is the whole, school, who I should marry and so on and so forth. I said that they as adults didn't have to make choices like that and Robyn said that she disagreed. She said that everyday we have to make a choice to stay with our husbands, or stay with our families, or to leave. I never thought about it that way before, and my Mom even said that sometimes she's looked down the path to leaving and it looked tempting at times, but she still chose to stay with her husband and her family both. That floored me. I never imagined that I would ever WANT to leave my husband (once married, of course)! I also learned some things about my parents that shocked me, but for their sake, I'm not going to tell the world of strangers that may be reading this.
Anyhoo, after the discussion at church, Mom suggested that we go for coffee and read more of the questions (and answer them, of course). So we did. We went to Starbucks - we felt like splurging I guess - and we got our coffee and we had a blast sitting out on the porch talking. I really had fun, and I feel like I know my Mom just a little bit better. *sighs a sigh of content* I only hope I can be as good a mom as my Mom is.
I'm spending the night at Lara's tonight. I'm praying about it. I don't know if we'll get into a deep conversation and I can try and give her my thoughts or if we'll just do like normal and talk about girly things into the wee hours of the morning.
I have to go get a bandaid for my bleeding finger. I will return... If there were ever a convenient spot to have a scrape on your finger, I think I've just found the spot! I have a scrape there, and it's in such a place that when I put the bandaid on, it doesn't interfere with my knuckle, therefore the bandage will stay in place! HA! I AM A GENIUS! I was so smart to get a cut there and help you all out in turn! Yes, I am slightly insane...I know, I know....only slightly. In other words, I really have nothing better to say, so I am making a fool of myself for your entertainment.
Anyhoo, I have stuff to do. I have to straighten my hair, shove some clothes and a hairbrush into my backpack for later, eat breakfast, possibly clean my room...you know, important things like that. Until.
p.s.
after reviewing the above post...it wasn't really that short or sweet...just a thought...
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I had a phenomenal time last night. I went to a Parent-Teen Movie Discussion thing last night at church...it was great! We watched Mona Lisa Smile - great flick, not at all a chick flick. Aprez we watched it, the five or six sets of parents and teenagers split up into groups and asked questions off of this sheet that Brent made for us. It was interesting, and I learned some very important things. I ended up in a group with my Mom, Robyn Eubanks and Deb Stevenson. They are very wise women and they are incredible to listen to! Cool women!
One of the questions that was asked was about choices...hold on, lemme see if I can get the question...ah here it is: The theme of this movie is obviously CHOICES. What choices do you have to make? Who influences you in these decisions? What are your final criteria for making beneficial choices? My Mom said that the main choices people think about when you ask them things like this is the whole, school, who I should marry and so on and so forth. I said that they as adults didn't have to make choices like that and Robyn said that she disagreed. She said that everyday we have to make a choice to stay with our husbands, or stay with our families, or to leave. I never thought about it that way before, and my Mom even said that sometimes she's looked down the path to leaving and it looked tempting at times, but she still chose to stay with her husband and her family both. That floored me. I never imagined that I would ever WANT to leave my husband (once married, of course)! I also learned some things about my parents that shocked me, but for their sake, I'm not going to tell the world of strangers that may be reading this.
Anyhoo, after the discussion at church, Mom suggested that we go for coffee and read more of the questions (and answer them, of course). So we did. We went to Starbucks - we felt like splurging I guess - and we got our coffee and we had a blast sitting out on the porch talking. I really had fun, and I feel like I know my Mom just a little bit better. *sighs a sigh of content* I only hope I can be as good a mom as my Mom is.
I'm spending the night at Lara's tonight. I'm praying about it. I don't know if we'll get into a deep conversation and I can try and give her my thoughts or if we'll just do like normal and talk about girly things into the wee hours of the morning.
I have to go get a bandaid for my bleeding finger. I will return... If there were ever a convenient spot to have a scrape on your finger, I think I've just found the spot! I have a scrape there, and it's in such a place that when I put the bandaid on, it doesn't interfere with my knuckle, therefore the bandage will stay in place! HA! I AM A GENIUS! I was so smart to get a cut there and help you all out in turn! Yes, I am slightly insane...I know, I know....only slightly. In other words, I really have nothing better to say, so I am making a fool of myself for your entertainment.
Anyhoo, I have stuff to do. I have to straighten my hair, shove some clothes and a hairbrush into my backpack for later, eat breakfast, possibly clean my room...you know, important things like that. Until.
p.s.
after reviewing the above post...it wasn't really that short or sweet...just a thought...
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Apologies from the Author - Plus, Frustrations With Friends
Sorry I haven't written in so long. I was on yesterday trying to update, but I couldn't remember my user name for Blogger (I was on my Mom's user). Once I figured it out, Mom had to get on to do her work. "Oh well, I'll get on later" I thought. Turns out, Mom had me go on her 'docter run' and once I got back from that, I had to hurriedly eat dinner so that I could leave at 1745 (5:45 for those of you not up-to-date on reading military time - psh) to pick up Savannah Schmidt (William's AWANA buddy) at 1800. Anyhoo, aprez Bible Study, I had forgotten about blogging. Anyhoo, my apologies.
BTW, if you read this, comment. You don't have to say much of anything, I just want to know who all is reading this, ya know?
I'm getting frustrated at Lara. She won't listen to me (or anyone else for that matter) and she's digging herself a grave and doesn't even know it. I guess that's what bothers me the most. Lara's a smart young woman, I know she knows a lot more than she lets people know that she knows. (K, got that? Lol. Ok. Back to being serious...) Crowder didn't seem to see anything wrong with what happened at Wendy's, but I found it another symptom of a huge problem. The last straw, if you will. *sigh* I just don't know what to do right now. I'm praying about it, believe you me. This is going to be tough for at least the next 6 months. It will get harder for me, and it could get harder for everyone else. Anyways...you'll be hearing my side of it later I guess.
*taps fingernails on computer desk* Oh, I am still pondering what to do about college. I need to take the SAT's next year. I guess what I could to is this: If my SAT's suck, I could go to community college (probably NCTC), get all of my basics done, then transfer to A&M to get my veterinary degree. However, if my SAT's don't suck, I could go straight to A&M. Hmm...*ponders idea* Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. Now all I have to do is take the stupid SAT's! Grr.
Anyhoo, I'd better go. I have schoolwork to do and my Mom has her job to do. She's not bugging me about it, she's still in there eating breakfast; but I thought if the way is clear...you know what I'm trying to say. If not, it's ok because I barely know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure I'm rambling, so I'll just quit... here.
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Sorry I haven't written in so long. I was on yesterday trying to update, but I couldn't remember my user name for Blogger (I was on my Mom's user). Once I figured it out, Mom had to get on to do her work. "Oh well, I'll get on later" I thought. Turns out, Mom had me go on her 'docter run' and once I got back from that, I had to hurriedly eat dinner so that I could leave at 1745 (5:45 for those of you not up-to-date on reading military time - psh) to pick up Savannah Schmidt (William's AWANA buddy) at 1800. Anyhoo, aprez Bible Study, I had forgotten about blogging. Anyhoo, my apologies.
BTW, if you read this, comment. You don't have to say much of anything, I just want to know who all is reading this, ya know?
I'm getting frustrated at Lara. She won't listen to me (or anyone else for that matter) and she's digging herself a grave and doesn't even know it. I guess that's what bothers me the most. Lara's a smart young woman, I know she knows a lot more than she lets people know that she knows. (K, got that? Lol. Ok. Back to being serious...) Crowder didn't seem to see anything wrong with what happened at Wendy's, but I found it another symptom of a huge problem. The last straw, if you will. *sigh* I just don't know what to do right now. I'm praying about it, believe you me. This is going to be tough for at least the next 6 months. It will get harder for me, and it could get harder for everyone else. Anyways...you'll be hearing my side of it later I guess.
*taps fingernails on computer desk* Oh, I am still pondering what to do about college. I need to take the SAT's next year. I guess what I could to is this: If my SAT's suck, I could go to community college (probably NCTC), get all of my basics done, then transfer to A&M to get my veterinary degree. However, if my SAT's don't suck, I could go straight to A&M. Hmm...*ponders idea* Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. Now all I have to do is take the stupid SAT's! Grr.
Anyhoo, I'd better go. I have schoolwork to do and my Mom has her job to do. She's not bugging me about it, she's still in there eating breakfast; but I thought if the way is clear...you know what I'm trying to say. If not, it's ok because I barely know what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure I'm rambling, so I'll just quit... here.
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Work At M&A, Plus the Inside Scoop On Chuck's
Sehr wuss? (what's up in German) I had work today. It didn't take too long. We expected 19 people, but only 13 came. It's ok though...we got everything done by noon. I'll get paid for it, so it's all good.
After work, we went to Chuck's All American Food and Fun in Plano. It's an incredible restaraunt. There's a Chuck's right next to Vista Ridge Mall which I'm wanting to visit and see if it's like the one in Plano. If it is, it just might be the new hangout spot for the group...we'll just have to see about that one though.
I have to sing in church tomorrow, which means basically I haven't had a single sleep-in day all weekend. Friday, I woke up at 0645-0700 (somewhere in there); today i woke up at 0630, and tomorrow i have to be at church by 0730, so i have to get up at 0630. Ah well...there's always Monday!
I'm chatting with Josh G. and Chris. Not much conversation is going on...we're all doing different things while the chat window is open...thus, the beauty of instant messaging.
Well, I think this blog is long enough for today, don't you? I just have one more thing to say...COMMENT! There. I'm done.
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Sehr wuss? (what's up in German) I had work today. It didn't take too long. We expected 19 people, but only 13 came. It's ok though...we got everything done by noon. I'll get paid for it, so it's all good.
After work, we went to Chuck's All American Food and Fun in Plano. It's an incredible restaraunt. There's a Chuck's right next to Vista Ridge Mall which I'm wanting to visit and see if it's like the one in Plano. If it is, it just might be the new hangout spot for the group...we'll just have to see about that one though.
I have to sing in church tomorrow, which means basically I haven't had a single sleep-in day all weekend. Friday, I woke up at 0645-0700 (somewhere in there); today i woke up at 0630, and tomorrow i have to be at church by 0730, so i have to get up at 0630. Ah well...there's always Monday!
I'm chatting with Josh G. and Chris. Not much conversation is going on...we're all doing different things while the chat window is open...thus, the beauty of instant messaging.
Well, I think this blog is long enough for today, don't you? I just have one more thing to say...COMMENT! There. I'm done.
Friday, March 19, 2004
News On This Past Ski Trip - Plus, the Main Event Event
The ski trip was incredible! I made new friends (all guys! odd for me) and I learned how to parallel ski, thanks to Josh G. I had a blast and I can't wait to go next year - as an ADULT! Woot! More details on the trip possibly to come...
Today I went to Main Even with Josh and Chris. We bowled, and for the first time in my life, I WON! TWICE! IN A ROW! How about them socks? or apples? Anyhoo, aprez bowling we watched Josh play DDR - for those of you who don't know, go to GameWorks in Grapevine Mills, follow the techno music, when you see people stomping in rapid motions, you've found Dance, Dance Revolution. Well, after DDR, Josh and Chris played basketball, then we went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. It was pretty good!
I'm talking with Josh and Chris right now on IM. I have to go to bed soon though...I'm tired.
Josh types with Dvorak instead of QWERTY. I think I'm gonna learn Dvorak just because I can. I'm gonna use whichever is easiest for me. From what it sounds like though, Dvorak is gonna be easier. I don't really know - I'll update you on it later. Maybe.
Well, I'm going to end this thing here.
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The ski trip was incredible! I made new friends (all guys! odd for me) and I learned how to parallel ski, thanks to Josh G. I had a blast and I can't wait to go next year - as an ADULT! Woot! More details on the trip possibly to come...
Today I went to Main Even with Josh and Chris. We bowled, and for the first time in my life, I WON! TWICE! IN A ROW! How about them socks? or apples? Anyhoo, aprez bowling we watched Josh play DDR - for those of you who don't know, go to GameWorks in Grapevine Mills, follow the techno music, when you see people stomping in rapid motions, you've found Dance, Dance Revolution. Well, after DDR, Josh and Chris played basketball, then we went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. It was pretty good!
I'm talking with Josh and Chris right now on IM. I have to go to bed soon though...I'm tired.
Josh types with Dvorak instead of QWERTY. I think I'm gonna learn Dvorak just because I can. I'm gonna use whichever is easiest for me. From what it sounds like though, Dvorak is gonna be easier. I don't really know - I'll update you on it later. Maybe.
Well, I'm going to end this thing here.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Ski Trip Ramblings - Plus, the Inside Scoop On the Laptop Incident!
ok. i'm all packed for the ski trip except for the few things i have to get at the store.
as of yesterday, my parents have been married for 22 years. i can only hope for the same in my marriage. my future marriage, that is. *daydreams about life with a husband* *snaps out of it* sorry 'bout that.
i was babysitting last night and the girl i'm sitting gets on her mom's laptop while the rest of us are watching a movie. i thought nothing of it at the time - i forgot about the no playing on the laptop rule. what's that? shame, shame you say? just wait, it gets worse. it turns out, the laptop had 9 viruses on it! grr. i feel bad for them having to get the viruses off of it, but in my defense, it was sitting on the table, open and running. anyhoo, enough whining from me.
i'm thinking about a theme for this thing. maybe i could do a news theme. or if i could find the right background, a penguin theme. i'm pretty sure that's a stretch though. anyhoo, if you gots ideas, comment them to me!
well, i know you're all hanging on my every word, but i really must be going. i have to go get the things i need for the trip so that my parents can go out tonight. i guess i won't be posting again until next week. i'll let you know how the trip went and such. later days!
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ok. i'm all packed for the ski trip except for the few things i have to get at the store.
as of yesterday, my parents have been married for 22 years. i can only hope for the same in my marriage. my future marriage, that is. *daydreams about life with a husband* *snaps out of it* sorry 'bout that.
i was babysitting last night and the girl i'm sitting gets on her mom's laptop while the rest of us are watching a movie. i thought nothing of it at the time - i forgot about the no playing on the laptop rule. what's that? shame, shame you say? just wait, it gets worse. it turns out, the laptop had 9 viruses on it! grr. i feel bad for them having to get the viruses off of it, but in my defense, it was sitting on the table, open and running. anyhoo, enough whining from me.
i'm thinking about a theme for this thing. maybe i could do a news theme. or if i could find the right background, a penguin theme. i'm pretty sure that's a stretch though. anyhoo, if you gots ideas, comment them to me!
well, i know you're all hanging on my every word, but i really must be going. i have to go get the things i need for the trip so that my parents can go out tonight. i guess i won't be posting again until next week. i'll let you know how the trip went and such. later days!
Thursday, March 11, 2004
well, i added comments. use it please! ^_~
i added my friend's blogs in the sidebar...i'm working on spiffing it up a little more...hopefully i can change the design of the page as well...we'll see.
well, i'm off to eat some lunch and do my homework. ttfn!
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i added my friend's blogs in the sidebar...i'm working on spiffing it up a little more...hopefully i can change the design of the page as well...we'll see.
well, i'm off to eat some lunch and do my homework. ttfn!
i still can't figure out how to change things around here. i'll ask around, see if i can find out how. it might take a while, knowing me and my knowledge of anything technological.
i felt so bad for myself last night and i really shouldn't have. i finally redirected my thoughts off of myself and my wonderful, gracious God took all of my selfish thoughts and turned them towards Himself (once i finally gave them to Him, that is).
when i got up this morning i picked up my Bible, and i did my homework for Bible study. i was finished with today's lesson and was starving for more. i had to make myself NOT do the rest of the week's lessons...it has to last for two weeks!
i'm having a hard time sitting down and listening to God through His word. i guess i just don't know where to start. there are so many great books in the Bible, and i don't know which would be the best for me right now. i guess i could just pick one. i don't really know what to do. however, it's not what i get out of it, it's just spending time with God and listening for what He's trying to tell me. that's all that matters, really.
i guess i can stop now, on account of i have nothing left to say. tonight is the party. i still haven't gotten her a present. i don't know what to get her! or make for her. anyhoo, later days!
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i felt so bad for myself last night and i really shouldn't have. i finally redirected my thoughts off of myself and my wonderful, gracious God took all of my selfish thoughts and turned them towards Himself (once i finally gave them to Him, that is).
when i got up this morning i picked up my Bible, and i did my homework for Bible study. i was finished with today's lesson and was starving for more. i had to make myself NOT do the rest of the week's lessons...it has to last for two weeks!
i'm having a hard time sitting down and listening to God through His word. i guess i just don't know where to start. there are so many great books in the Bible, and i don't know which would be the best for me right now. i guess i could just pick one. i don't really know what to do. however, it's not what i get out of it, it's just spending time with God and listening for what He's trying to tell me. that's all that matters, really.
i guess i can stop now, on account of i have nothing left to say. tonight is the party. i still haven't gotten her a present. i don't know what to get her! or make for her. anyhoo, later days!
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
it's late. i'm tired. it's not really late, but i'm tired.
i'm hoping to change the looks of this. i liked the split pea one, but i can't cramp Josh's style! anyhoo, i might not get to it for a while because i'm going on the ski trip sunday. "but that's an entire half week away!" you say. true, but i have lots of things to do before i leave and such. basically, i don't know if i'll have enough time to sit down and figure out how to work it and mess w/it and stuff. yeah, i'm a dork. but i have fun with it, so it's all good.
anyhoo, here goes my first attempt at a blog...
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i'm hoping to change the looks of this. i liked the split pea one, but i can't cramp Josh's style! anyhoo, i might not get to it for a while because i'm going on the ski trip sunday. "but that's an entire half week away!" you say. true, but i have lots of things to do before i leave and such. basically, i don't know if i'll have enough time to sit down and figure out how to work it and mess w/it and stuff. yeah, i'm a dork. but i have fun with it, so it's all good.
anyhoo, here goes my first attempt at a blog...
